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last update here [05 Mar 2003|08:36am]
i made today a snow day for myself, because i don't think it was official? anyways, Scottie called me this morning at like 6:20am and told me not to pick him up for school, because he wasn't going. i was and still am pretty pumped about that, not because i didn't have to go get him, because it's been fun times riding together, but because i didn't feel up to going to school this morning and was only going because i figured he wanted to go? so yeah. it's horrible out there though.

oh yeah. i'm happy, my pops is sending me the cash needed for my cars, yay. anyhow. i'm gonna make a new livejournal because i'm bored of this one, plus, i wanna make a more private one for like, my irl friends and such, but RC will get it too, he's my buddy.dunno. if you want the url comment. "rock out with your cock out", hah, yeah, i need a more original quote for myself. ciao.
4 violent reaction

shit talkers piss me off [04 Mar 2003|11:55pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

what the fuck ever. i originally joined sovereign industries because i felt the need to belong to something, not to mention the fact that it was all Scottie's idea, and he's my friend, so i supported him. nowadays, it's so close to heart. when i said "si til death" i meant it. scottie's more so a brother to me, and it's our fucking team. i'll be in my grave clutching a wheel with my free hand on the clutch. now, secondly i'll say Lauren, fuck you you fucking pansy mother fucker. fuck your faggot ass big bloc garbage. you losers don't even have cars to drop "big blocks" into. and thirdly, you mother fuckers are really pushing the envelope. Delicious, Lauren, fucking Rob. i don't care anymore. i get suspended, i do. i'm seriously going to fist your throats.


hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii heyyyyyy\yyyyyy heeeeello [04 Mar 2003|05:56pm]
well, i'm sick of being an angry teen, but hey.. i am beyond pissed now, sort of i think. i'm actually currently in the cooling process. let's see... my made my sister cry, but it was all a misunderstanding, in which my mom, ignorant of the situation might i add, jumped to conclusions and screamed at me, which threw me over the edge, and caused me to scream at my sister, and caused her to cry. a chain of emotion set off by a huge misunderstanding. i feel really bad about the whole thing. my sister really does annoy me a great deal, but yeah, i'm a fucking idiot.

hmm... well, since i've been giving Scottie rides to school lately, i've been feeling ten times better, because like, it's been cool. i told him a bunch of shit i kept inside, so yeah. he listened, which is cool. his b-day is saturday, so i'm gonna go out of my way to get his something. it sucks, but sometimes i feel like he's my only true friend in the world, because everyone else is fake. just found out that a lot of people talk shit behind my back, so fuck them.

okay, i have a second interview at sam's club friday, and my tour at ups tomorrow at 6:00pm.
1 violent reaction

i hate you. oh yes, i truly do.. with passion [03 Mar 2003|07:44pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

i'm taking out my anger and fustrations on the world... watch me blow you away before bush can. fuck with me now, what's up now? i need a girlfriend :(

1 violent reaction

cool headed... [02 Mar 2003|09:41pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i'm in a much better mood than i was last night. small things throw me over the edge. yeah, i know, it's sad. i should learn to control my temper before i do something stupid. anyhow, i have a job interview tomorrow, so wish me luck. Scott's dad talked the guy with the Talons down on the price. fucking cool, his dad owns. i'm tired. getting some sleep. night kiddos, ciao.


there is no god... [02 Mar 2003|07:19am]
[ mood | infuriated ]

like i fucking said... no worries in this world? i am free? i wish so... the people i've encountered, who've actually known about my past... the violent fits i've thrown over almost nothing, the trouble i've gotten myself into, and the "sect". they all tell me to focus on staying cool and level headed, and to keep away from trouble at all costs, and i've honestly tried.

people can be dirty indeed, and i'm starting to realize this all over again as the episodes of the past began to manifest and repeat themselves. as my own family suddenly decides to drive a knife through my back. i'm bleeding my weaknesses from the wounds of the freshly made gashes you've cut into me. i hated feeling this way... paranoid constantly, sleeping with a knife beneath my pillow, and unable to trust anyone. there's only two people as of this moment i feel i can truly trust... yet i'm still sort of worried, because only to them am i vulnerable.

here's a question... why is it, when i give love, i can't receive it in return? no really. i take strolls through the park, or cruise through the streets, and i see lovely couples. smiling, holding hands, making out, happy, but i haven't experienced that feeling since... ages ago, when i was with Dora. i don't like speaking her name, because it rekindles horrid memories of us. sure, she was the love of my life... at first, but then our love died.

another fun fact, and also true story of my life. years ago, back in Oregon, i've pointed knives to my heart numerous times, and made threats to kill myself before my mother. know what she said EVERY FUCKING TIME? "do it, see if i care. there will be a place awaiting you in hell". my own mother said that, and even if she wasn't sincere, and it was her own way to talking me out of it... it's still a fucked up thing to tell a 13 year old kid. she wonders why i've done the shit i have. she wonders why i ignore her in the home. when i did time in juvy, she visited me "ONE" time. my father's always given me love, so why did i choose my mother as guardian after the divorce? actually, it was more so, i didn't want to go back to Kenton. because the sect had split, Jase's buddies wanted to split my head open for what i did to him, and i befriended possibly the greatest guy i've known. but i just needed a new enviroment. and i've opened myself to new things. i've become way more calm.

in conclusion... some of us are just handed a perfect existence, and others have to work with what we have, and attempt to make it somewhat enjoyable, despite how distasteful it is. hm... kind of made no since... but... is our suffering apart of god's test of faith? i've suffered my whole life.


peace... i've finaly found it [01 Mar 2003|09:58am]
[ mood | calm ]

my favorite thing to do is sit alone, away from everything; the comotion, confusion, just everything and everyone in general. spending time reading various automotive magazines, and educating myself on cars. it's possibly the greatest thing in life, aside from actually working on cars, or crusing a beautiful strip alone on a late night. that's when i feel calm, and nothing else matters at that time. it's like taking a quick step from reality. i've still got a bunch to learn about cars tho, but i'll get there, especially with this new project opening for me. i need a new job, i really do need the cash now, more than ever, but the shit i was working wasn't fun, nor paying enough. i don't really know where to seek employment.

also, i've developed a great deal of patience, though i do realize i need to buy these cars like, right now, and so the best offer i get for my laptop is what i'm going to take. i can't rush into things, so i'm take my time with the actual process of modifying the Talons, other wise i get stuck with shit i don't like, and also i'll be out of a lot of cash. what a waste.

after going sXe, i've totally let everything go. it feels as if, i have no worries in the world, aside from my friends, who've shown that they really do care, my cars, and theirs'. i love Sovereign Industries so much. I take it to heart more than i've ever done anything else. Scottie's b-day is in a week, and like, he doesn't drink or anything, but that's cool, because neither do i. okay, i think i know what to get him. and hah, he's so stuck on trying to find me a girlfriend. yeah, i guess i could use a real girl, who likes, listens to me, and comforts me, and all that good stuff. it's just like, currently i have so much shit in my life i need to sort through. what more can i say? ciao.

2 violent reaction

fuck this fucking judgemental world. [27 Feb 2003|09:36pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

i hate when fucking people stereotype me, and fucking expect me to fuck up because of what i look like. other than that, i have absolutely nil worth writing about at this moment, other than the boasting of my everyday arrogance that seem to annoy the hell out of you all, and that i'm growing super fucking fustrated that i haven't sold my laptop as of yet. i need the money asap so i can snag these damned Talons. I'm also in a violent mood, so no one better not fuck with me, this time i'm dead serious. i will lash out and fucking knock the head from your shoulders. Scottie's riding to school with me tomorrow, because he fucked up his transmission, but it's always all good. he's my best bro, looking out for him is my obligation, and an obligation i don't mind at all. i'm supposed to make sure he's good, so yeah. plus, he'd do the same for me so weeeeeeeeeeee. now i'm hyper, yet still on the edge. ciao.


fist colision with your throats [27 Feb 2003|06:11am]
[ mood | awake ]

augh! i am so fucking angry, as always lately. my mom keeps on pushing me, and it's super annoying. yeah, so, wthat the fuck ever, i want a cigarette. i don't even know why the fuck i smoke, people say they calm your nerves, but with me, i think it's more so i'm looking for a non existent relief.

hm... let's see. okay, how nice. basically the agenda for the next 4/5 months have been handed to me. march third is imoprt fest, and it's in fucking detroit. now i know for a fact that Scott's slamming his Celica into that bitch, but he's kinda hoping i have one of my Talons up and ready for then, which will be hard work, but we'll get it. if not, i'll just stomp in with him and whatever. we have races scheduled for team night, at the tracks, but that's way down the line, so... yeah. and then another show in june, around the time with my b-day. i have faith, it'll all work out for me. i need to stop spending money tho. i spent 60 bucks this week, on shit. yeah, yeah, i fucking love sovereign industries. that's shit's to die for. got school soon, ciao.


well, fucking a! it does sucks being broke, but really, meijer can smoke my cock. YOU MOTHER FUCKERS CAN BLOW MY COCK. from the girls who play games with my emotions, to the cum drooling tards hanging over my fucking shoulder. know what i fucking hate? how the majority of the fucking black kids in my school refer to everyone as their fucking "nigga". news flash, i am not your "nigga", but that's just petty. you know i'm fed up with the bullshit, the lies my mother tells, i'm sick of putting up with her... not much further to go before i'm out of here. i'm sick of fucking Lauren and Lonell begging me for rides and shit, and they don't even speak to me in school, what the fuck is with that shit? and Lonnie has a stinch so horrible, wouldn't hurt to shower occasionally buddy! i hate fucking posers! AUGH, I CAN'T STAND YOU MOTHER FUCKING POSERS! THAT FAGGOT BILLY WROTE NOS ON HIS BOOK BAG, AND DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS, ALL HE KNOWS IS "IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH CARS, AND I SEE YOU AND SCOTTIE WROTE IT ON YOURS, SO I'M LIKE, HEY" FUCK YOU YOU WORTHLESS DICK SPILL, FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE! POSERS, JEEZ, WOULDN'T HURT TO BE YOURSELVES! i am seriously harming the next person to bother me, Scott, or even David! i will gut you like the fishes you are, and spill out your insides. oh, oh, oh, i am so fucking beyond pissed. it's all been building up. stress piled up on top, it's time i blew my load onto the world. i carry my knife daily, just for that reason. i want a fucking gun, i'll blow your faces off! people say guns are for the weak, okay. well, i'll fight any of you fucks by my lonely. you say jumping people is weak, well FUCK YOU! because regardless, if you touch any of my friends, or attempt to, i'm helping. oh yeah, i'm so fucking hardcore, whatever. CIAO!
3 violent reaction

whatever [25 Feb 2003|09:33pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

today i've began to intentionally destroy my mom and i's relationship. lately she's a complete and utter bitch; the epitome of selfish and ignorant, and she's been working my nerve a great deal. in the home, i'm anti-social from now on, this will allow me to stay here, because i don't want to move out. i'm hoping to put up with this shit only until i'm legal. i want an apartment somewhere nice, like, Canton, or somewhere.

haha, i'm attempting to go sXe; no meat, no fucking sex, or masturbation. when i finaly meet somewhere special, i'll have so much sexual energy built up. i'll experience the ultimate orgasm. hmm... i shaved my pubes, for the first time in a while. what else... uh... i need to go clothes shopping, because i trashed my closet. all's left is my school clothes. i think thursday Skot and i are doing something, not sure tho, we all know how he is, but i wanna see my duo of Talons then, weee! i bought a camera, so i'm taking pics soon, yeah. ciao!

2 violent reaction

mother fuckers [25 Feb 2003|06:25am]
[ mood | angry ]

my dad's a huge loser. come to find out, the stipulation to get the cash was "i'd being moving in with him". pisses me the fuck off. now i realize that the key is patience, yeah, i think i'll work on that one most definately. ugh, now i have to sell my laptop again.


hi [23 Feb 2003|12:01pm]
last night was a slow one, and also a thinking experience. my brother called my cell phone while i was out, talking about how he and our dad have been talking, and how they think it's best that i return to portland. okay, whatever, end conversation.

later, my dad himself gave me a call, talking about he had to build up the "confidence" to ask me, because he felt i wanted nil to do with him, due to how i've been treating him and not returning his calls, etc. what-fucking-ever. well, he sort of seemed sincere, which got me to thinking. he was saying i work way too much, and how i'm still a kid and should be out enjoying life more, and how all of my former friends ask about me. he said Nick drop by and chill with him occasionally, between school and work, and he's been asking if i'm ever gonna come up and visit. talk about mind phlux, because i really am considering it more so than i ever have. it'd be cool. wonder if any of the kids from Madison High still remember me. hah, wonder if Jase and his flunkies still hate me. anyways, i need this damn cash to come quick. i'm considering buying the two talons over the one eclipse, because two are better than one. and if anything goes wrong i could possibly save cash by stripping the part off of the other. 'sides, i think one of the two has 17'' race rims, am i wrong? i haven't seen either though, i want to. and i'll need a cherry picker to drop the engine in, but it's all worth it.

well fucking a, that's all's on my mind kiddos. ciao.

one long ass entry [22 Feb 2003|09:22am]
[ mood | sick ]

i feel ill this morning. went to bed at around 1am feeling crappy. woke up around 3:30ish am and spilled my guts. actually, i woke up several times to vomit. no clue of what the fuck i was throwing up, because as much as i did, i'm pretty sure there was nothing else in my system, so ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i must've literally spilled my guts.

okay, and also i despise my fucking job. i attempted to call in sick and these are my manager's exact words "you just better have your ass in at the time you're scheduled". pisses me the fuck off, because generally i try to be a nice person, you know, because of my violent temper of the past and such, i want to be a better person and stuff, but like AUGH! fuck it, i'll drag myself in, and the moment she says anything to piss me off, i'll walk out. if i feel even worse, i'll walk out. i hope whatever i have is contagious and she catches it.

what does cheer me up, despite being sick, despite being angry, and despite the off and on depression is knowing that tuesday i'll have the other half of the money needed to buy my eclipse. tuesday i go back to ups, to fill out the paper work, possibly even start work that day? i'll like it there a lot better.

oh yeah, i was thinking, Scott should like, start calling fucking meetings or something, so like, i know where's he's trying to go with sov ind. all i know right now is what i need to get done to my car, once i get it, duh. we should do shit together sometimes tho. oh, and did i mention that i am so over Ashley now? fuck yeah, i don't have time to play around, and i sucks that she gave mixed signals and fucked with my emotions, but look, i guess when i meet that special girl, it'll happen, right? i'm going to lower my expectations/standards, because like, i've been waiting for this "perfect" girl, with the exact same interests as mine to just fall from heaven, but maybe it'll be more interesting to meet someone who's a bit different, yeah. whatever, i still feel like shit. you know who i haven't heard from in ages? lindz. actually, i haven't really heard from any of my friends lately, so whatever, but i do miss you guys. maybe we should all hook up sometime and do something fun, like bowling, or do the butterfly, you know, with it getting hot and all, ciao.


did i say i have a crush? more like crushed [21 Feb 2003|05:37am]
[ mood | depressed ]

but you know nothing ever works out the way i plan on it to. no more writing out agendas, because they only set me up for heart break. Ashley fucking hooked up with her boyfriend again, and i feel like someone's puppet for a change, not the puppet master. i'm not angry however, just very fucking sad. you know, i don't even want a fucking relationship now. i was tired of being alone, doing nil, while all of my friends were out hanging out and fucking their girlfriends. i mean, i never get to hang out with them nowadays, AT ALL, and when they do call, or drop by, or i see them in school all they can talk about is how happy they are, and what they fucking did, which makes me feel all depressed and shit, because i want so badly what they have. in school fucking nobodies ry to shake my hand, talkig about how they wish they were in my shoes, even fucking asking how they'd go about getting into sovereign industries, and yes Scott, they do fucking ask. your organization is pimp. i simply tell them they can't. you know, i'm glad there's no school until monday, because now i don't have to unwillingly see anyone's face. i'm probably going to be fired at meijer, but it's all good, because i'm at ups now, and they pay way more. i sold my lap top, and awaiting the check to come. i'll deposit it into my account, and then there's only a small amount left to save up, and i'll have my eclipse. FUCK RELATIONSHIPS! all i'm doing is working and working on my car. i still feel horribly though, about the whole Ashley thing. no one knows how much i liked that girl. i'm running away from home, not mainly because of her, because i do plan on coming back in a week or so. i just want time to be alone, and think to myself. 'sides, it's warm enough. i should get dressed and pick up my check. i feel sick too, my stomach aches. ciao.

1 violent reaction

i have a crush [20 Feb 2003|06:19pm]
[ mood | worried ]

uh oh. bad news already; the girl i like was all ragging on how i reaked of cigarettes. that's not good, we haven't even started dating yet, and she's already found something to hold against me, so i better quit like, now. also, i didn't say anything because i don't want my friends all worried over me and such, but yesterday Skot was all like "well, the particular brand you decided to smoke kills you a lot faster than any other", not to mention i took a nap later that day and dreamed of Scott and my mom and a few other people crying over my grave. Scared the flesh off of me, and man, i have e-fucking-nuff worries nowadays. i fear hurting my friends a lot, always have. i didn't say anything about the dream because i don't want Skot over reacting, because he gets all pissed when he thinks anything will happen to me, sort of like an over protective brother. i kind of yelled at him the other day about, but i don't fucking know how lucky i am to have someone who fucking cares like he does.

i was offered 850 bucks for my lap top, and i'm considering selling. i get a check tomorrow that'll probably be a shitty 130 or so, but hey, that only means i need 50 bucks before i drive off pimping in my eclipse. which will sit a little before i get the money for insurance. point is, sovereign industries is on the rise baby! Skot invited a new car. it's an eclipse too, but mine will be more pimp, haha! Skottie's in the auto-rama tomorrow night, and he and i are upset that i have to work. he wanted me to make an appearance and support the team. well, i'm fiending for my cigarettes, but they're in Skot's car, and he's working. yup, i'm selling. and Ashley, be mine? i hope you will. jeez, i have a crush.

5 violent reaction

i'm a sovereign racer... [19 Feb 2003|08:41am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i hate how when i'm concentrating on something, or doing something constructive with my time, idiots seem to become interested and annoy the hell out of me. that's not directed toward Scott or any other kid i actually like, but to these fucking losers that that flock around me. well, going back to myself. no more mr nice kid. everyone's getting trashed, my insults are inevitable haha! and if there's a problem i'll punch you in your faces.

1 violent reaction

my views [17 Feb 2003|06:55am]
[ mood | shitty ]

something has been floating through my head for several months, ever since i received the invitation. the original plan was to move to PA with RC for school over the summer, or fall. we'd get a house, because he knows a guy that rents out for cheap to students. that's been on the agenda since august, or maybe even july, not sure exactly, but the point is it's been planned for a long period of time. now, with this ever changing world, i think the agenda may have changed. once again the world moving in a fast pace, leaving me behind to wallow in it's dust in a state of confusion. i met Skot in August, but we didn't exactly get cool on a real friendship level until sometime in september when i started sharing some of my writing with him. our friendship evolved a great deal. now we have the team. i'm getting a ricer sometime before june, and Skotty and i are suppose to work on our cars all summer and such, but the thing is... he doesn't exactly hold to his word now that he's all in love. also, probably the same with RC. those guys are my best friends, so it kind of leaves me pretty much fucked. all my life i've depended on others a great deal. seems i'm being forced to stand alone, and i'm not ready to do so yet... i still have a long way to go before i'm on my own, i'll admit. friends are always supposed to be there for you right? so in that case, i guess i haven't met real friends thus far. fuck life. ciao!


hi [16 Feb 2003|08:11pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

okay i did it, i put in my two weeks notice for my current job. now hopefully i'll get lucky and land a way better paying job within this two weeks. other wise, i think i can kiss the eclipse/talon good bye, atleast for a while.

my mom and i got into it. she seems to think that she can teach me to become a man, uh... no. what's annoying is how she always threaten to send me to portland when i fuck up. riiight... what a loser. no wonder i have no respect for her. yeah, whatever. i'm going to eat, then look over the job listings in the newspaper, then sleep. ciao.


last update today, swear! [16 Feb 2003|02:42pm]
[ mood | bored ]

okay, here's what i've decided. i'm going to find a full time job to work after school hours. i'll be working from 3pm-11pm, or 4pm-12 midnight. i'll be making like 10 bucks an hour, and working 40 hours weekly, plus have weekends off, so i should be calculating maybe 350 bucks weekly, or 700 bucks bi weekly... that's with the tax deductions. sure beats the fuck out of this bullshit i'm even too ashamed to admit making at meijer. with that i can mod the fuck out of my car faster. i can't wait until i graduate from high school, i'm going to get myself an apartment.

oh, also i have my dream career in mind, with a bit of research needed because i haven't really been into cars all that long. what i want to do as a career is open a performance parts store, because cars are where the money is, not to mention it'd be the best job for me, because i love them! also, i want to like, sale concept ideas to pimp out peeps cars. ugh, i wonder if i can get back up on this? from my team, oh well.

Scott showed me the body kit he's getting for the celica. the mother fucker is so bad ass man. if i get this eclipse, i'm slamming a dragon z kit onto it. okay, with that "shiznit" said, i'm outtie. ciao!


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